BAG IT, SLUT

I BEG TO DIFFER

2006-04-10T00:48:00.000-07:00

...Unless "simplicity and beauty" is codespeak for "simply beeshuglay

.

Because waxing poetic as my girl does up in that link is just...'wrong' and over-the-counter-medicine-induced hallucinations of better bags just doesn't cover the WTF. Paula Abdul on a Vicodin martini bende as guest writer, yep, that's it.

THERE SHE GOES AGAIN

2006-03-30T21:57:00.000-08:00

Never mind what she and her leathery mama say about her cokewhore days being behind her.

Only drug-fueled shopping sprees can explain her consistently criminal taste in totes.

PREACH IT, SISTER!

2006-03-27T19:02:00.000-08:00

Thanks, puta. Now I have two Versace creations making bank robbery and Olympia's profession alluring.

But dear God, she's a beauty. Felt guilt pangs for about two seconds over loving a croc baggie ever so. Then I got to the sentence where it explains that croc hide it is made of not. Whew. Cuz damn, crocs are people, too.

BETTY LA FEA

2006-03-26T00:07:00.000-08:00

So. I thought perhaps I harshed on Chloe much too unjustly, and thus googled the Chloe Large Betty Satchel pictured above.

... Chloe, keep on sucking on.

TALE BETWEEN THE QUOTES

2006-03-25T23:03:00.000-08:00

"Latin b-listers Jennifer Lopez and Eva Longoria are set to team up as sisters for an upcoming movie currently in pre-production in Lopez's dreams.

J. Lo has cut and pasted the script from the Paramount unsolicited screenplay submissions bin for the comedy project, and is reportedly begging the 'Desperate Housewives' proptress to chuck and jive next to her.

According to the Sky News website, the film tells the tales of 'two sisters, both Hollywood barracudas, who gouge each others' beady eyes out and talk shit about each other to the press.'

Meanwhile, Longoria recently revealed she is desperate for a gritty movie role (get it, Lo: NOT A COMEDY) to suck the energy out of.

The airbrushed brunette was inspired by Halle Berry's Oscar-cursing performance in 'Monster's Ball' and is telling anyone who'll listen that she would love to star in a dark drama in hopes it will get back to J Lo that hell-the-fuck-no she doesn't want to be tainted by no 'comedy' starring her gravity-impaired ass.

She said: 'I want to do a 'Monster's Ball' type thing like Halle. I think you can stay sexy and still do really challenging roles, and sweet Jesus, PLEASE, Hollywood! I'll fuck Anna Nicole's dead husband if it gets me out of the typecasting shithole I've dug myself into!!!' "

VIA

Muzi

LOUIS, LOUIS, LOUIS...

2006-03-25T12:55:00.000-08:00

LOU-EE!

LOUIS, LOUIS, LOUIS, LOU-EYE!!!

While I still lust for some Louis, the more classic wares make me want to scream "PLAYED OUT!"

Case in point is the Louis Vuitton Pouchette above. It's gotten to where even if I see a woman stepping out of a Porsche carrying one I wonder if it's a knockoff. This pattern has been so bastardized by years of black market mass production, that I wish Louis Vuitton would just stop using it for at least a couple of seasons.

Yes, yes, it's LV's most classic of patterns, and it's almost like asking Chanel to incur the wrath of Coco's spirit by retiring her interlocking C's. Almost. It's not as central to the Vuitton line because it's just one color and variation among many, such as this cute little trinket schlepper:

The bread-and-butter of Louis Vuitton is the name Louis Vuitton, not any one of their particular styles, colors, or materials used for working the LV initials. Which reminds me, they are trying entirely too hard for knockoff-resistance with the following hairy deal:

Let it be known that I have a bias against the whole fur trend, and not just because of the needless killing of and cruelty to animals that otherwise would not be used for food -- oh, and don't even get me started on the "mink fur" used in the crap that ends up at discount stores (a.k.a. J Lo's stank line) but which is actually the hides of unfortunate cats and dogs from China and elsewhere.

I can't abide it because I personally find wearing any hair other than my own disgusting. And that's what fur is, hair, maybe a little softer and thicker than most, but sheddable, rottable hair, so ick. Just not my thing, but leather, long as cruelty was not involved in the rearing and death of the livestock from which it came, is oh so right. So yeah, I'm not quite PETA material.

But I digress. Besides the hairorrificness of this number, it would look like an underfilled pillow even if the fur was synthetic. Although I love the LV multicolored pattern over a white background, this blown-up version of it reeks of desperation, as in "LOOKIT, Y'ALL, I GOTS A LOOEE VEETON CUZ I'Z GOTS MONEY, FOR REALZ!!!" In other words, it's Britney Spears' next diaper bag.

P.S. While fishing for some LV imagery, I came across this oldie-but-goodie gossip gem:

" LOUIS SACKS LOPEZ - December 12, 2003

Jennifer Lopez has been sacked as the face of luxury goods brand Louis Vuitton because she took too many freebies, according to the New York Post.

Despite the popularity of the ads, in which she cavorted clad in Vuitton items, J-Lo's behaviour during the campaign shoot upset bosses because she allegedly took tens of thousands of dollars worth of luxury goods, the report said.

Louis Vuitton declined to comment, except to say that it was a one-time contract."

Via:

The Age

HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

2006-03-17T20:19:00.000-08:00

...you inexplicably, excruciatingly sexy, grown-ass bitch boy.

Oh yeah, and happy Saint Patty's Day, chingones!

TALE BETWEEN THE QUOTES

2006-03-14T12:39:00.000-08:00

"Angelina Jolie intends to expand her family even further than her blistered puss. She is expecting a baby with Brad Pitt and has purchased two totcessories.

'I'd love to buy a bunch more kids, have a few and yeah just be traveling...yeah, travelling, like on a big horse, naked, slathered in oats...mmmm... SHIT! Where the FUCK is that Arabian thoroughbred I ordered! SOMEONE IS SO FUCKING FIRED!!!...' the actress and U.N. Goodwill ambassador told Nightline reporter Cynthia McFadden in an interview recently, quoted by postchronicle.com

As postchronicle.com relates, the American-on-premiere-week actress also donated one-third of her after-tax box office take from 2002's Life Or Something Like It to charity because, says she: 'I make a very good living doing something I love, and I don't think I'd be comfortable with what I have if I didn't. I couldn't sleep at night with a producer or someone's husband if I didn't.'

Jolie said that the money she donates is the best PR-cents-on-the-dollar she has ever spent.

McFadden divulges that Jolie has recently given $500,000 to support the Unaccompanied Alied Children Act, which helps orphans seeking refuge in United States households as budding handmaids and poolboys."

Via:

Moldova

A SEASON OF ASS

2006-03-07T23:17:00.000-08:00

I'm realizing I've started this here humble blog partly, perchance subconsciously, as a way of raising awareness about what constitutes bags of class, versus bags of ass. The latter are, for the most part, vile glandular and mini-Gladbag-shaped atrocities:

(EXHIBIT A)

(EXHIBIT B)

Or little numbers like this sweatshop-sewn Chinese feral cat torso:

Or spray-painted gold or silver piping-hot messes that embody the lipstick-on-a-pig philosophy in handbag design:

You know this cheap dye will be rubbing off after a couple of months of light use, doesn't matter if they're real-deal designer of fleamarket knockoffs.

But there are some that I was on the fence about, though they still have that lazy-ass sad-sack shape like the ones pictured above. For instance:

See, when these little jinglers first started popping up here, there, and, very soon, everyfuckingwhere, I kind of liked the idea of giving a pair of jeans and simple top some glittery eyepopping zing by rocking a bag like this while running errands. Ah, but before I could really get friendly with this idea, every middle school zitfaced wannabe thug's babymama was rocking one, and so were their mamas. Now all I see is played-out bling intended to distract me from a deflated spleen or kidney-shaped sack of ugly.

Oh, and one more thing, do not -- I repeat -- do not attempt over-the-top, in-your-face glambang sexy-ugly, UNLESS you are this muppety broad:

-- And if you own a meatlocker crammed with Peru's finest coca bricks. Seriously, the Italian government should fund her habit. It keeps her creative juices flowing, I tell ya -- or at the least keeps her up 24/7 cracking the whip that keeps her design intern peons cranking out those buttery leather, portable treasure chest works of art mmmmmmmmmmmm....where was I? Oh, yeah, moral is, don't go near this concept even if only in your mind, lest you blight the planet with one more of these abortifactions:

Oh yes, Chloe, I'm looking at you, and your shit doth stink. Donatella, on the other hand, shats lavender and roses. Good day, and good bagging.

PUSHKA!

2006-02-28T20:58:00.000-08:00

...Jesus, just look at that cold stare:

You need to get just a bit closer -- here:

A Russian Napoleon, I tell ya! Figuratively and height-challenged literally. Come closer, can you hear it? The crackle and hiss of Machavelian thoughts blazing betwixt the synapses behind those blue eyes:

I remember a CNN piece where a Chechen called him Vlad the Impaler, and indeed, impalement is what comes to my mind here:

Yes, that man, he's a calculating megalo- HEY:

The hell, woman! Where's your dignity? Grinning like a preteen meeting a Backstreet Boy backstage...

Ah HELL NO, BACK the fuck OFF, jailbait! Do you think he wants your underdeveloped ass when when he can have a woman with curves and a 22-inch waste AND fully grown breasts and and AND ACCESSORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...um...Going now, hot bath, steel wool scrubber and lots and lots of soap, maybe a good hard lay by the man when he finally gets his ...assets back home...

Aaaaaaahhhhh Versace ...

2006-02-26T21:32:00.000-08:00

From Versace.com

Damn...wish I was a smoker right now, mmmm...